just, uh, gotta love feeling useless & unimportant & like i don’t matter & ignored & distant & forgotten. just, you know, another damn day at the office, folks.
the anxiety train in my mind is ran by the little plastic monkeys out of a barrel of monkeys toy and they can’t control the train because they do not have fingers. their arms are just curled to latch onto one another and they have to angle themselves to pull any levers or work anything on the train and all they do is fuck everything up and make it worse - but somehow, the train never derails. it just keeps going round and round inside my head while they panic and try to fix everything.
fucking mental monkeys.
trauma or, as i like to call it, “i was always punished for expressing emotions and now whenever i do express emotions i feel extremely guilty and cannot explain why which makes me feel even more guilty”
a weird thing about having developed mental illness at such a young age is i honestly don’t know sometimes how much of me is a symptom and how much is down to personality, like i honestly do not know my core self and it troubles me A Lot