does someone want to explain to me what kind of family says to their kid, “you’ve been allowed back in your mother’s will”? can someone please explain to me what bull shit it is that i’ve been ALLOWED back into a will? they called me today because they needed my address from me, but i was in the bathroom when they initially called, so i missed it (obviously). so my phone tells me i’ve got a missed message and i check the voicemail and it’s my dad telling me to call home, it’s important. so i’m freaking out thinking i’m calling home and he’s going to tell me mom’s officially dead - wrong. i call back and i get chastised for “not having a real phone” to get a hold of me on (because i rely on wifi to do anything because i have no service) and i’m yelled at because my mom almost died and somehow this bit about my phone is the REASON she almost died and that’s somehow all my fault. then, after yelling at me for ten minutes, i’m told i’ve been allowed back into the will and that mom needs my address for it because i’m being left a few things. right. yeah. okay. fuck you, buddy.

then again, these are the same people who disowned me when i said i was bisexual, disowned me again when i said i was pansexual, and AGAIN when i said i was a lesbian, THEN AGAIN when i came out as transgender and was dating a girl (i told my mom in a mall and because i chose that mall as a safe place to tell her because i knew she wouldn’t freak out, she considered me a “threat” to her personal life and her health). 

these are the same people who REFUSE to admit/accept that they abused me in my entirety while i was growing up and taught me to be the racist, sexist, homophobic sack of shit i was back before high school (and even then, i was still a horrible piece of crap until i met the people i talk to now online who taught me to open my fucking eyes to what i was saying). 

these are the same people that i raised a baby, up until i moved out when i was twenty, for. these are the same people who believe my anxiety & depression is fake because i “had a decent childhood with no problems” despite the fact i was constantly locking myself away in the bathroom with the cats out of fear of the cats being killed during a fight and me being pummelled for just overhearing anything and not picking a side. these are the same people who would tell me how when i went off to college, they were going to get a divorce because they couldn’t stand each other, leaving me to feel like a disappointment in their plan for “happiness without each other” because i went to a college in the city and did not have to move out.

these are the same people who blame MULTIPLE deaths on me, including deaths not related to the family. these are the same people who spent years (even up to now) using me as a scapegoat. the people who made me regret and fear my true identity because it didn’t conform with their beliefs and values. the people who picked on all of my friends when they found some sort of fault in them. the people who would get jealous if i started spending more time with another family (”why don’t you just go have them adopt you” - heard countless of times toward the children i babysat… they lived two doors away from us, so i was constantly called over in emergency situations to babysit - what was i supposed to say when i had nothing to do, no sorry fuck you let your itty bitties babysit themselves?). 

the ice baths for being a “tramp” and a “slut.” the beatings for losing a pair of shorts & a pair of jeans. getting my legs stomped on when pulling things out from under the bed. the constant bashing my head into my tv table when by the corner of it (she cut my head open more than once). these people, who told me they were glad i never became a cop because they were convinced i would shoot myself in the foot with my gun because i’m a klutz - despite having expert training in weapon handling, especially with firearms (i have the certificates somewhere around here to prove it). 

the same people who, when i approached them about being sexually abused by my ex & fearing over his temper, told me to just ignore & leave it be, that i’d be fine and had nothing to worry about - that i was more of a threat to him than he was to me. the same people who, when i brought him an A on something from school, would ask me why it wasn’t an A+ and why i didn’t try harder. the same people who helped my late brother (he killed himself last year) on NUMEROUS occasions financially, but when i called in december of last year saying i was about to lose my apartment and be homeless told me “no” to helping me out because it wasn’t their problem (my mother, actually, to quote, told me “if i dropped dead today, then your father could help you because then he’d have the money” as if that was supposed to somehow make me feel better). 

the same people that, if i befriended a girl, i was a lesbian. and if i befriended a boy, then i was tramp & a slut. and i hung around no one, i was a loner & a loser and needed to get the hell out of the house more. oh wait, there’s my personal favourite though!!! “i never wanted you and your the reason that i stayed [with her abusive ex husband whom i am the product of a rape] him! i thought i needed his money! i should have just had an abortion.” well golly gee, mom, so do i. i wish you’d gone and had the abortion as well because then i would not have grown up in this fucking hellish nightmare. 

the same people who support don*ald tr*mp & the confederate flag & think people like adolf h*tler had the right idea. the same people who tried to push these ideals on me and are also anti-abortion. the same people who pushed me into a mother role repeatedly while growing up, claiming that i was the only reason the family was being held together & that it was my responsibility to make sure that everything was okay. 

you, maybe, might ask yourself WHY i’m back in contact with these people. these people who have wronged me so many times, who ignored me when i tried to kill myself four times by just sticking in a mental hospital for two months (and never, not even once, came to visit me). well, i don’t really have an amazing answer for that. it’s actually pretty typical, if you think about it. they are so wrapped up inside my head, have me so fucking upset over them, that i would hate myself & feel guilty if i was not there while my mother was dying. because that’s who i am as a person. i don’t know if that makes me good, or makes me bad, i have no idea. i just know if i wasn’t there, i could not live with myself. 

but it’s interesting, you see. because while my mother is about to die from cancer, i have two types of cancer myself (that none of my family knows about). i grew up suffering from cancer since i was seven. and it doesn’t help that i basically lived in and out of hospitals since birth (i was born a month and a half early). and they never ONCE call to ask how i’m doing - whenever they do call, it’s always for something they need or to inform me of something shitty. it’s never to see how i am. and then when i DO call them, they still don’t ask how i’m doing, and they forget that i suffer from multiple sclerosis. but they always remember my “anxiety” and “depression”. that i’m medicated for these things (”are you still taking your meds? you shouldn’t be off of them. you don’t want to hurt anyone, or yourself.”) 

i ran away from these people not once, not twice, but three times because of how they treated me and how SCARED i was of them. i tried opening up about the abuse and intolerance for years, claiming i couldn’t take it anymore or i was going to kill myself. but every time, CAS (children’s aid society) would show up and interview me IN THE FUCKING KITCHEN while my parents were DOWN THE HALL IN THE BEDROOM WITH THE DOOR OPENED in a TINY HOUSE that you could hear ANY CONVERSATION happening in ANY ROOM around the house. so OF COURSE i never admitted to any of it and would say i was lying to get attention - and then get beaten by my mother for having called CAS or let my teachers/principals get involved.

but you know, having endured my hellish nightmare of a life, everything is all fucking worth it because i’ve “been allowed back into” my mother’s will.